Page-by-Page Breakdown of the NHL's 76,000 Page Financial Report

Via Kevin Westgarth on Twitter @KWesty19

If you haven't heard, the NHL turned over a 76,000(!) page financial report to the NHLPA earlier this week. It's easy to speculate what actually went into the report, but then again, the NHLPA's Donald Fehr said this is just part of the financial information the players' association requested. It is the hope that with this information, the NHLPA will be able to form a counter-proposal to the NHL's proposal early in July.

Well, lucky for you, I called around, and asked nicely, and did some things I'm not proud of, and I have obtained a copy of that report. You can see the page-by-page breakdown after the jump. Are you ready? Prepare to set your mind to blown.

Page 1: Title page

Pages 2-4: Copyright pages

Pages 5-120: Table of contents

Pages 121-509: A very special message from Gary Bettman

Pages 510-903: Introduction by Scott Howson

Pages 904-1,102: The definition of "labor", as described by William H. Sylvis, leader of the National Labor Union of 1866-1873.

Page 1,103: Another title page

Pages 1,104-1,672: Rundown of basic league financials

Pages 1,673-2,109: Charts and graphs

Pages 2,110-2,459: Breakdown of expenses of last six years, team by team.

Pages 2,460-2,598: A chapter simply titled "The Coyotes".

Pages 2,599-3,978: Important stuff

Pages 3,979-6,003: Eh...I don't know, I just skimmed over this stuff.

Pages 6,004-6,201: Expense report on food purchased and consumed by Kyle Wellwood each year of his career (because, you see, he is fat. Harf harf harf).

Pages 6,202-6,204: Some hidden insults about Donald Fehr's mother.

Pages 6,205-6,509: Sidney Crosby's concussion hospital costs.

Pages 6,510-6,608: Report on money – including ad revenue – lost by the league due to Crosby's injury.

Pages 6,609-7,000: Expense report on the construction of a bionic brain and its placement in Crosby's skull.

Pages 7,001-8,489: Charts and graphs of ad revenue

Page 8,490: Cost to cut down the Dustin Penner National Forest (also known as his playoff beard).

Pages 8,491-8,879: Something about Hockey Related Revenue. I don't know...it gets awful preachy.

Pages 8,880-10,012: Blank pages

Pages 10,013-13,003: Copies of senior NHL administrators dinner receipts from company meetings. Expensive dinner receipts.

Pages 13,004-13,503: Advertisement section and listing of bands coming to Toronto

Page 13,504: Full page ad congratulating the Los Angeles Kings on winning the Stanley Cup! WOO!

Pages 13,505-13,903: A plea from New York Islanders' owner Charles Wang titled, "Please Play for Less Money or I'll Move You to Kansas City."

Pages 13,904-15,549: Pages appear to be torn out by Bigfoot.

Pages 15,550-15,979: The NHL's stance on contract structuring.

Pages 15,980-17,150: The entire text of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, used as a metaphor to explain the crux of the NHL's issue with front-loaded contracts.

Pages 17,151-17,670: Conclusion of contract structure stance.

Pages 17,671-19,101: Flip book of Bill Daly's butt on a copier.

Pages 19,102-21,993: Blank pages

Pages 21,994-22,302: NHL's agreement with NBC to tape-delay NHL games starting in 2012-13 since tape-delay's use has been so positive with the public during the Olympics

Pages 22,303-22,304: Magic Eye photo that if you squint real hard you can see a penguin

Pages 22,305-22,909: Expense report on getting Will Ferrell to show up at the Hockey Hall of Fame (he's not cheap, folks)

Pages 22,910-24,600: Report of financial damage caused to other NHL cities based on the clock stopping during Kings–Blue Jackets game.

Pages 24,601-27,309: Report on financial damage caused to City of Vancouver after successful completion of multiple conspiracies over the past twenty years (Take my word, this is an excellent read!).

Pages 27,310-27,311: Two page photo of Bettman and Darth Vader high-fiving members of the Illuminati.

Pages 27,312-46,999: Classified information

Pages 47,000-49,230: Afterword

Pages 49,231-53,789: Annotated bibliography

Pages 53,790-61,324: Index

Pages 61,343-68,009: French index

Pages 68,010-74,342: Spanish index

74,343-76,000: About the authors

Back cover: Book review from Zombie Franz Kafka

"This text has the most disorienting prose I've ever seen in a novel this size. I can't believe I didn't write it!"

City of Glendale is...Oh I Don't Even Know Anymore

Mad Elaine: The Civil Code Warrior

Good ol' Lisa Halverstadt is at it again, updating us on the Coyotes situation and the anarchy taking place in the wholesome town of Glendale, Arizona.  Ah, Glendale, where the trees grow big and tall, and the children play freely in the streets without a care, and old people play the blues harp down at the general store.  Oh, and all of those crazy people live there too.  Sadly, that's totally important to the understanding of any Glendale/Coyotes story.

Anyway, a couple of Lisa's articles struck me funny today, so I thought I would pass them along.

First, a blog post she wrote early on Tuesday – which actually allows me to get on my soapbox again and point something out.  Reputable print newspapers that feature a free online version of their paper with the same content in the pay-to-subscribe print version such as The Arizona Republic (AZCentral), KCStar, or any other publication also have "blogs" on the same site where the same people who write "blog posts" also write news articles.  And "news people" decry the downfall of journalism due to blogging, Twitter, etc.  That's inconsistent.

Anyway, Lisa's post starts with a phrase that shouldn't exist, as far as the NHL led the public to believe (bold is mine):

Phoenix Coyotes staffers are hopeful as they prep for what could be their fourth season without a permanent owner.

Pardon me, but didn't the NHL set a loose ultimatum that essentially said the NHL would not own the team for a fourth season without assuring it's removal from the city?

Perhaps team president Mike Nealy paints a better picture of the situation.

“It’s still moving forward,” Nealy said. “It’s zigging and zagging a bit but Greg Jamison is still working toward the ultimate resolution with the public issues that are out there. At the end of the day, the league is still interested in keeping the team here.”

"Huh, oh yeah, I guess the league is still interested.  It's whatever, though.  I mean, Greg wants to buy the team and all, but, like, y'know, whatever."  This nonchalant attitude does not make a lot of sense, although, in fairness, everyone seems to be staying level-headed about the situation.  Oh, but what public issues does Mr. Nealy refer?

Well, remember when those Glendale citizens were trying to get signatures to put the Coyotes issue/tax hike to a vote.  Well, Glendale rejected the referendum, which apparently they can do, and they did, so here we go.  This led to an apparent court date in August so the city and these random people can have a forum to argue with each other over the same crap, which will inevitably lead to another court date because what the hell else do these people have to do.

From Halverstadt's most recent article on AZCentral:

Supporters of an effort to reverse Glendale's sales-tax increase must wait nearly a month to argue before a judge. 

Last week, the city rejected signatures submitted by the business group which aims to get an initiative on the November ballot. The group, Save Glendale Now, responded with a lawsuit. 

A Glendale spokeswoman confirmed Tuesday that the city and the business group won't appear before Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Sally Duncan until Aug. 14.

Once in court, Glendale will argue the 100-word summary submitted with the group's 4,138 signatures was misleading because an initiative cannot reverse the Glendale City Council's vote to increase the city sales tax by 0.7 percent.

So, although Glendale invalidated the signatures, the uncertainty stems from this court date and the fact that no official deal has actually been made, probably due to no one knowing what the hell is going on.

Another issue: the current CBA expires on September 15th, which could mean a lockout with no new agreement in place.  The good thing for Glendale is the NHL has already begun negotiations.  The bad thing, these are less "negotiations" and more a list of the NHL's demands.  Another bad thing is that the NHL's attention right now is not on Glendale, and more on playing the upcoming season (i.e. gettin' paid, yo).

Here are a few ways it could go down.

A.) the NHL does not have a lockout, but Glendale/Jamison/the NHL have to worry about random court dates and possible votes on top of other Arizona law related nonsense.
B.) the NHL locks out for some amount of time, the NHL abandons talks with Jamison for whatever reason (probably due to uncertainty).
C.) the NHL locks out for some amount of time, and does its best to rid itself of financial liabilities.  Thus, the Coyotes fold, and we have a fun dispersal draft.
D.) the NHL does not lock out, the city of Glendale actually forms something resembling a stable city government, Jamison buys the Coyotes, and the Coyotes stay in Glendale.  They also re-sign Shane Doan, because, sure why not. (Of course, this option relies on a "stable city government" which also means "a lack of self-serving politicians," which, yeah, I'll leave the political commentary to someone else...).

So, in summation, to answer the question posed the other day by our good friend PucKChaser, OH HELL NO I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE GLENDALE THAT PLACE IS WHACKED!  Or, option #4, vacationing in Europe.

Where is Kansas City or Quebec City (or even non-interested, interested city Seattle) in all of this?  Well, who knows, maybe some places just like to watch the world burn.

Also, as an aside, Lisa Halverstadt looks like Scrooge's nephew Fred's wife (Clara, apparently, played by Janet Holywell) from the Muppets Christmas Carol.  So, yeah, there you go.  Small world.