A Dream: Riding the Bus of Disappointment

What follows after the jump chronicles a dream I had the other day.  Well, dream is such a loose term.  Let's just call it a night terror.  It may not entertain you, but, well, let's just say the brain is an amazingly ambiguous organ.

* * *

Flubber McGee: (gets on a bus) Hello, bus driver person.  I don't remember where I'm going, but drive around and I'll figure it out.

Bus Driver: Alright.

(Flubber sits down in the empty bus.  A hurried man runs up to the bus as it begins to pull away.  The driver stops, and lets the man onboard.  He sits next to Flubber).

Flubber: (nods head upright acknowledging the man's presence) Hey.

Man: (breathing deeply) Hi, how's it going.

Flubber: (turning away towards the window, disinterested) Pretty good.

Man: Say, I hate to prod, but you aren't in the real estate business, are you?  Oh, my name's Jerry, by the way.

(Jerry extends his arm towards Flubber.  Flubber hesitates to shake the man's hand, but does so anyway).

Flubber: Nice to meet you, Jerry, and no, I'm not in the real estate business.

Jerry:  Oh, that's too bad.  Ya see, I'm looking to offload a couple of properties, and hoped someone might be interested.  As of right now I can't seem to find anyone.

Flubber:  Yeah, I don't really make money, so, I'm not really the best person to talk to...

(Jerry interrupts, as tears begin to roll down his face)

Jerry:  See, I'm in way over my head.  I hate these properties.  I want them gone.  Can't you help me?  Why won't you help me?  Why will no one just let me get rid of this burden?

Flubber: Dude...stop crying.

Jerry: YOU DON'T WANT THESE PROBLEMS!!!

(Jerry runs to the front of the moving bus and out of the retractable doors, rolling away.  Flubber catches a glimpse of Jerry as he rolls by, but he quickly disappears.  A few blocks go by before the bus stops, this time picking up a man in a long brown trench coat.  He walks up to Flubber).

Man 2: Pardon me, but, um, is your name Jerry?

Flubber: Uh, no, actually.  No, why do you ask?

Man 2: Oh, I was supposed to meet a man named Jerry on this bus around this time.

Flubber: Well, to tell you the truth, there was a guy named Jerry here a moment ago.  He mentioned something about real estate...

Man 2: That sounds like him, all right.  Where did he go, do you know?

Flubber:  Um, yeah.  He, uh, well, umm...

Man 2: Oh, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway.  I guess he didn't want to meet after all.  Another missed opportunity for ol' Jimmy.  Oh well.

Flubber: Yeah, you're probably right.  Kind of a weird place to do business, huh?

Jim (apparently): What, on the bus.  Oh yes, not the norm in my line of work.  But this Jerry wanted to keep things private for some reason.

Flubber: What do you do, if I don't mind asking?

Jim: I've been in the States often, recently in Pittsburgh and Nashville working on some projects that fell through.  My line of work can be frustrating at times.

(Jim stares blankly at his wrist watch).

Well, I suppose I should be going.

(Jim gets to the front of the bus and mumbles something incoherent to the bus driver.  The bus slows to a stop, and Jim exits.  At this time Flubber falls asleep for an unknown period of time.  A strong feeling of being watched stirs Flubber from the nap).

Flubber: (groans) uhhhh, wha...?

(A older gentlemen with graying hair and glasses stares back at Flubber, smiling from ear to ear).

Man 3: HELLO MY NAME IS GREG AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN AMAZING OFFER YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO RESIST!

Flubber: Why?

Greg: LOOK HERE, SON, HAVE I GOT A GREAT INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY JUST FOR YOU!  FOR ONLY THE LOW LOW PRICE OF A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER YEAR, YOU COULD BE THE PART OWNER OF YOUR VERY OWN COMPANY!  HERE'S HOW...!

Flubber: Why are you shouting?

Greg: FIRST, JUST GIVE ME ABOUT ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, RIGHT NOW!

Flubber: Are you robbing me?

Greg:  ROBBING YOU!?  WHY NO, FAR FROM IT!  IF ANYTHING, YOU ARE ROBBING ME!  THIS IS SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY, I AM CRAZY FOR OFFERING IT...AND YOU WOULD BE CRAZY TO RESIST IT!

Flubber: Is this a joke?  Am I being punked, or pranked, or stooged or something stupid?

Greg:  ALL THAT IS HAPPENING HERE IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME CHANGE TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS!  I ALREADY HAVE A FEW EUROPEAN GENTLEMEN HIGHLY INTERESTED IN WHAT I'M OFFERING HERE TODAY!  BUT I'M OFFERING YOU TWICE AS MUCH AS I'M OFFERING THEM FOR HALF THE PRICE!  MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION AND BECOME A SUCCESS TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!

Flubber:  No, go away.

Greg:  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON...!

Flubber:  Dude, go away.

Greg:  NOOOO!  DON'T DO THIS TO ME!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARRRREEE MISSSSSSINNNNNGGG OOOUUUUUTTTTTTT ONNNNNNNNNNNN....

(Greg dissolves into a fine mist, which twirls in the air and exits the bus through an open window.  The bus stops once again, picking up another man who finds his way to the seat right next to Flubber).

Man 4: (turning towards Flubber) Hi, my name is Gary Bettman.

Flubber:  Shit.

* * * FIN * * *

Roster Cut: Inside Deano's Office During the Kevin Westgarth Trade

What follows is a new feature called "Roster Cut" which will feature some of my Los Angeles Kings-centric articles that did not make the cut on Jewels From the Crown because they really had nothing to do with anything.  Basically, they were just fun to create, and I'd like to post them, and there is a lack of KC hockey news.  So yeah.  But, be aware of some fun stuff coming to LCOB in the near future.  It's a surprise, so just be patient and deal with it.

This first post places us inside Kings GM Dean Lombardi's office (he of columbs and truth seeking) as he tells seldom used enforcer Kevin Westgarth he will no longer be with the team.

Kevin Westgarth, for obvious blood and violence reasons, was one of my favorite Kings ever since I saw him in an exhibition game a few years ago. That said, it is bittersweet to see him go. We, as Kings fans, know there is no reason to have him on this team anymore. But, as like many of you, I sat in stunned silence watching the Los Angeles Kings players flood the Staples Center ice after having won the franchise's first Stanley Cup trophy...until Westgarth came into frame.

Then I started busting out laughing – a deranged, confused laugh – because seriously, Kevin Westgarth – who is awesome, mind you – was a (small) part of a team that just won a championship in the highest level of hockey competition in the world. No longer could I respirate and be absolutely certain that I was still alive, because science had no basis in this new reality. And that's who Westgarth is in a nutshell: a guy that eliminates any belief in cognitive liberty. He's his own hyperreality, and many of us  Kings fans will miss him in a Kings uniform.

That said, here's how Dean Lombardi probably broke the news to him on Sunday  a couple Sundays ago. (IMPORTANT NOTE: If Westgarth ever stumbles upon this article, I'm so sorry please don't kill me I'm drunk)

* * *

(Kevin Westgarth enters Dean Lombardi's office)

Deano: Glad you could make it Kevin. Have a seat.

Westy: Howdy, Mr. Lombardi! Did you see me in those interviews?! Me and Donny really stuck it too ol' Gary...

Deano: Yeah, that's great...hey, you've been traded to Carolina.

Westy: ...he didn't know what hit h---....wait WHAT?!

Deano: Yeah dude. You have to go.

Westy: But what about everything I did for the players' association? To end the lockout? I'm a hero. I'm a true patriot, or the Canadian equivalent. You can't trade me.

Deano: Hey that's super, but Phil Anschutz still signs my checks. Sooo, yeah... Plus, can you believe this haul? Some guy that's just as big as you with, like, twenty times as many goals. And some draft picks. All in exchange for you! I mean, even Columbus wanted a draft pick for Jeff Carter, stupid babies.

(Deano kicks feet up on desk, folds hands behind his head)

Westy: But, but, I was there everyday in practice. I made this team better! I'm on the Cup. There are guys on the team now that can't even say that!

Deano: But dude, two draft picks. For you. And a former first round pick. For you. Can you believe that?

Westy: I can't believe you would just trade me like that. After all I did for you. I went to Princeton, dammit! I'm married to Bill Cowher's daughter! Look at my sideburns!!!

Deano: Well, I thought you would be happy for me. I'm a freakin' genius, after all.

(Deano swirls a forty year old Cabernet Sauvignon around inside a crystal decanter, then pours it into a tin flask and places it in his suit pocket)

(Westy's nose begins to bleed, a lot)

Deano: Alas, though, I must say good day to you, sir. For I must see a man about horse.

(Deano picks up the latest copy of Guns & Ammo off of his desk, and enters his private washroom)

(Westy sits in Deano's office for five minutes, then leaves and never returns)

The Stanley Cup Goes to Some Weird Places

For some reason, I am on the media mailing list for KC ICE's Northland rink at Burlington Creek.  Yay!(?)

Anyway, the Stanley Cup – or one of the twenty replicas – is coming to the rink this Saturday, January 5th if you would like to see it.  Actually, it's coming to EnChamas restaurant, but, eh...close enough.  So, go see it if you want to see it.  It's worth the price of admission to see Anze Kopitar's name on there, let me tell you buddy.  BONUS: For a small fee, you can get your picture with the Cup AND 1980 USA Gold Medalist and local guy Ken Morrow.  Yay!(?)  Here's the promo flyer.

So, yeah, there's that.  It made me wonder what other random people charged you to take pictures with the Cup at random locations.

Paul Bissonnette – aka BizNasty, and he of the best yoga instructor in this world or any other – at Casa Bonita.  Because what else do you think he does for his birthday?

Sean Avery at Beef O'Brady's.  Can you imagine sitting next to the Stanley Cup, and talking to Sean Avery over an OMG Burger?  I can.

The ghost of Lord Stanley of Preston – namesake of the Cup – at a Chipotle in Arizona.  Because seriously, like the Stanley Cup would be caught dead in Arizona.

Page-by-Page Breakdown of the NHL's 76,000 Page Financial Report

Via Kevin Westgarth on Twitter @KWesty19

If you haven't heard, the NHL turned over a 76,000(!) page financial report to the NHLPA earlier this week. It's easy to speculate what actually went into the report, but then again, the NHLPA's Donald Fehr said this is just part of the financial information the players' association requested. It is the hope that with this information, the NHLPA will be able to form a counter-proposal to the NHL's proposal early in July.

Well, lucky for you, I called around, and asked nicely, and did some things I'm not proud of, and I have obtained a copy of that report. You can see the page-by-page breakdown after the jump. Are you ready? Prepare to set your mind to blown.

Page 1: Title page

Pages 2-4: Copyright pages

Pages 5-120: Table of contents

Pages 121-509: A very special message from Gary Bettman

Pages 510-903: Introduction by Scott Howson

Pages 904-1,102: The definition of "labor", as described by William H. Sylvis, leader of the National Labor Union of 1866-1873.

Page 1,103: Another title page

Pages 1,104-1,672: Rundown of basic league financials

Pages 1,673-2,109: Charts and graphs

Pages 2,110-2,459: Breakdown of expenses of last six years, team by team.

Pages 2,460-2,598: A chapter simply titled "The Coyotes".

Pages 2,599-3,978: Important stuff

Pages 3,979-6,003: Eh...I don't know, I just skimmed over this stuff.

Pages 6,004-6,201: Expense report on food purchased and consumed by Kyle Wellwood each year of his career (because, you see, he is fat. Harf harf harf).

Pages 6,202-6,204: Some hidden insults about Donald Fehr's mother.

Pages 6,205-6,509: Sidney Crosby's concussion hospital costs.

Pages 6,510-6,608: Report on money – including ad revenue – lost by the league due to Crosby's injury.

Pages 6,609-7,000: Expense report on the construction of a bionic brain and its placement in Crosby's skull.

Pages 7,001-8,489: Charts and graphs of ad revenue

Page 8,490: Cost to cut down the Dustin Penner National Forest (also known as his playoff beard).

Pages 8,491-8,879: Something about Hockey Related Revenue. I don't know...it gets awful preachy.

Pages 8,880-10,012: Blank pages

Pages 10,013-13,003: Copies of senior NHL administrators dinner receipts from company meetings. Expensive dinner receipts.

Pages 13,004-13,503: Advertisement section and listing of bands coming to Toronto

Page 13,504: Full page ad congratulating the Los Angeles Kings on winning the Stanley Cup! WOO!

Pages 13,505-13,903: A plea from New York Islanders' owner Charles Wang titled, "Please Play for Less Money or I'll Move You to Kansas City."

Pages 13,904-15,549: Pages appear to be torn out by Bigfoot.

Pages 15,550-15,979: The NHL's stance on contract structuring.

Pages 15,980-17,150: The entire text of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, used as a metaphor to explain the crux of the NHL's issue with front-loaded contracts.

Pages 17,151-17,670: Conclusion of contract structure stance.

Pages 17,671-19,101: Flip book of Bill Daly's butt on a copier.

Pages 19,102-21,993: Blank pages

Pages 21,994-22,302: NHL's agreement with NBC to tape-delay NHL games starting in 2012-13 since tape-delay's use has been so positive with the public during the Olympics

Pages 22,303-22,304: Magic Eye photo that if you squint real hard you can see a penguin

Pages 22,305-22,909: Expense report on getting Will Ferrell to show up at the Hockey Hall of Fame (he's not cheap, folks)

Pages 22,910-24,600: Report of financial damage caused to other NHL cities based on the clock stopping during Kings–Blue Jackets game.

Pages 24,601-27,309: Report on financial damage caused to City of Vancouver after successful completion of multiple conspiracies over the past twenty years (Take my word, this is an excellent read!).

Pages 27,310-27,311: Two page photo of Bettman and Darth Vader high-fiving members of the Illuminati.

Pages 27,312-46,999: Classified information

Pages 47,000-49,230: Afterword

Pages 49,231-53,789: Annotated bibliography

Pages 53,790-61,324: Index

Pages 61,343-68,009: French index

Pages 68,010-74,342: Spanish index

74,343-76,000: About the authors

Back cover: Book review from Zombie Franz Kafka

"This text has the most disorienting prose I've ever seen in a novel this size. I can't believe I didn't write it!"

Chris Hansen: Sports Franchise Predator

Earlier today, it was announced that the prospective builder of a new Seattle arena and potential NBA team owner, Chris Hansen, has laid out plans for the construction of a $490 million facility.

The agreement states construction could only begin on a new Seattle arena as soon as it is guaranteed to have at least an NBA tenant.  No NHL franchise is required to start construction on the building, though Hansen has not ruled out an attempt to lure a hard-luck franchise having problems in their current home.  KING 5 in Seattle and Seattle PI have the goods on all of the particulars, and I encourage you to peruse them at your leisure.

Puck Daddy's Greg Wyshynski compiles both stories here, but he goes light on the "geek(ing) out" this time over the prospect of an NHL team in Seattle.  Of course, as you know, a wicked shade of green jersey does not a hockey team make.  Also, remember, Vancouver and Seattle are close.  So, that's always good.

Kansas Citians will remember an arena built a few years ago that was supposed to have a professional sports tenant blah blah blah.... you know the story.

So, anyway, I'm bad at segues, so after the jump potential Seattle arena builder Chris Hansen talks to Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator's Chris Hansen.  Because, you see, they share the same name.  Enjoy!

***

(Seattle arena extraordinaire Chris Hansen wanders around the outside of a suburban house.  The front door opens, and girl motions to him.)

Gary Bettman Decoy:Come on in!  David Stern and I are watching the Lakers game.  Oh, and I made some sweet tea!  It’s on the counter!

Seattle Chris Hansen:Alright!  I can’t wait to see Kobe hit his patented cross-over jumper!

/Dateline’s Chris Hansen walks in

Dateline Chris Hansen:Why don’t you hit my cross-over jumper?

Seattle Hansen:  Uhh....what?  Who are you?

Dateline Chris Hansen Voiceover: I’ve been doing this for so longgg, but guyyys still don’t know who I am or what I am doing.  They just see me, and, you know, act nonchalant, but I see that look in their eyyyes, like they’ve done something wronggg.  And it’s not like it’s their first rodeo, but they just haven’t gotten caught yet.  It just hasn’t set in at that point.

Dateline Hansen: Why don’t you take a seat?  Just, just take a seat, right over there.

Seattle Hansen:Okay, uh...

/sits down right over there

Dateline Hansen:What’re you doing here?

Seattle Hansen: Uh, What do you mean?  I came to see David Stern, so we could just talk.

Dateline Hansen:  Just talk, huh?  Talk about what?

Seattle Hansen:To...to talk about potential NBA franchises that might relocate to Seattle.

Dateline Hansen: Oh, so you admit you came here to see Mr. Stern?  What about Mr. Bettman?

Seattle Hansen:Well, ya know, I was in the neighborhood... Hey, what’s with all the questions?

Dateline Hansen:  Look, I’m not the one on trial herrre.  Why don’t you tell me what you really came here forrr?

Seattle Hansen: I don’t have to tell you anything!  Who the hell are you, anyway?

Dateline Hansen: That’s not imporrrtant.  What is imporrrtant are the conversations you’ve had with these two sports league commissioners concerrrning some “new arena’ in Seattle.

Seattle Hansen:  Um...okay.  What about it?

Dateline Hansen:Well, it says herrre (points to wad of papers in his hand) you want to build a new arena to lure an NBA franchise to Seattle.

Seattle Hansen: Yes, I believe that is what is best for the people of the city of Seattle.

Dateline Hansen:  Uh-huh.  And how about an NHL franchise?

Seattle Hansen:Yeah, I talked to the NHL, but I never wanted anything to do with them.  That would be wrong.  What does it matter to you?

Dateline Hansen: Look, you don’t need to lie to me, I have the press conference transcript right here.  Soo...whyyy don’t you just tellll me what you are trying to do with Commissioner Bettman?

Seattle Hansen: Lie to you?!  I don’t even know who the hell you are!!!

Dateline Hansen:Now, I already told you, it’s not imporrrtant who I am.  Here, let’s look at the transcript.  What is this about “the city and county contributing $200 million to construction of a new arena” and “only an NBA franchise is needed to begin construction” (pauses and stares at the accused for dramatic effect. Continues.) and “if no NHL team is secured, only $120 million in public money would go to the project, with the county's contribution capped at $5 million and Seattle still on the hook for up to $120 million.”

Seattle Hansen: Look buddy, I don’t want a freakin’ NHL franchise.  I don’t give a crap about the NHL, and I don’t really care if Seattle has an NHL team or not.  I want the Sonics back, and that’s it.

Dateline Chris Hansen Voiceover: This is usually the point in the interviews where these men admit they have done something, um, let’s call it, insincere, but they do not quite admit they have done something wrong.  They act as a hero for the unknowing victims.  I see it a lot in these types of investigations.

Dateline Hansen: So, you are saying you have never talked to the NHL about relocating a franchise to Seattle?

Seattle Hansen: No, I don’t mess around with that stuff, man.  If anything, I warned the NHL to stay out of Seattle.  I’ve seen some pretty messy stuff happen when a city gets tangled up with the NHL.  Heck, it happened in my sister’s hometown, man.  She lives in Atlanta, and...and...she was never the same. 

Dateline Chris Hansen Voiceover:  The funny thing about this reasoning was – when we investigated further into Mr. Hansen’s record – he doesn’t even have a sister, let alone one that lives in Atlanta.

Dateline Hansen: So, you sayyy your sisterrr saw the hearrrtbreak that came with losing an NHL franchise, and that’s whhhyyy you only want an NBA franchise instead? 

Seattle Hansen:Yeah, man, definitely.  That’s why I want to keep the NHL out of Seattle.  Believe me, by getting the NBA, I’m helping Seattleites stay away from the dangers that come along with the NHL.

Dateline Hansen:  Sooo, if I wasn’t herrre, you would just talk to David Stern, and then walk right out that door?

Seattle Hansen:Yeah.  Pretty much.

Dateline Hansen:Look, Chrrris, I’ve been doing this a long time.  I’ve seen cases just like yours, and I’m going to level with you: You arrren’t herrre to warn anyone.  We both know that, okay?  You want to take advantage of an unstable league.  What you want is an NHL franchise for yourrr own, no matter who gets hurt.

Seattle Hansen: No, man, I don’t!  No I don’t at all!  That’s a lie!

/starts sobbing

Dateline Hansen:Look, Chrrris, it’s time to come clean.  If I wasn’t here, you would have forced yourself on an unsuspecting Gary Bettman and tried to make him relocate a franchise?

Seattle Hansen: No, man. *sniffles* I just want what is best for the city. *sniffles* I am creating jobs through a great financial investment...

Dateline Hansen:Hmmm....okayyy, well, I think you should know that my name is Chrrris Hannnsennn from Dateline NBC, and we are doing a story about sports franchise predators.

/camera crew rushes into the room

 If there is anything you would like to say or ask me, now is the time.  If not, you are free to go.

Seattle Hansen: Am I going to jail or something?

Dateline Hansen: That’s not for me to decide.

Seattle Hansen: I-- I’m just gonna go.

Dateline Hansen:That is your choice.

/Seattle Chris Hansen leaves, sulking

Dateline Chris Hansen Voiceover: You know, some of these guys come in here – and it’s the same story every time – they say they are making a difference in people’s lives by keeping the NHL out of their city, when you know they would just put a franchise in a new arena if they had the chance.  And, it’s really sad, and that’s why I am here: to stop them from hurting anyone.

Puck Reviews: The Blue Line Sports Bar

Via

This is a fictional review based on actual person/ people you probably know.  Today’s review is of the Kansas City area’s only hockey bar, The Blue Line.  You can find The Blue Line in the River Market district downtown at 529 Walnut, Kansas City, MO.  And online at thebluelinekc.com

My personal opinion: It’s quaint, it has a lot of cool hockey stuff on the walls, and it shows hockey.  All you need as a hockey fan, right?  For bar food, the food is actually pretty decent.  When hockey isn’t going on, they show sports and whatnot, so it’s just another nice place to hang out downtown.  Nothing flashy, but cool to have here in town.  But don’t take it from me, check it out yourself!

Today’s reviewer: Some middle-management type bro in his late-20s from a downtown corporate office nearby going to the bar with some friends from work.  He’s totes pumped about a new hockey bar in KC!  And, don’t be offended if you think he is shouting at you, because he is, but it's not your fault.

BRO’S THOUGHTS ON THE EXTERIOR AMBIANCE – River Market, businesses nearby, etc.

Dude, I am TOTES STOKED to go to this new place tonight!  You have NO IDEA!  WORK. F-IN. BLEW. DONKEYS.  Just like your mom!  AAAAWWW YEEAAA!!!! I TOLD YOU I’D GET YA!  But, for real, my bad boss.

The River Market.  So busy, so eclectic. Minsky’s.  That Mexican place.  That Chinese place.  That place with the boat from India or whatever.  Look at all of that Asian scribble on that building!  THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS MADE OF!!! Where else can you turn an abandon ice plant into lofts?  NO-WHERES, that’s where.  Breathe it in boyz, this is what it’s all about.  THIS IS WHY I GRADUATED EARLY, TO EXPERIENCE THIS!  THREE YEAS FOR AN ACCOUNTING DEGREE AND I’M NOT EVEN JEWISH!!!  AND I STILL HAD TIME TO WORK OUT!!!

And what a view of downtown, baby.  LARGEST G-D BUILDING IN THE STATE OF MISSOURI!  KANSAS CITY REPRESENT!!!

BRO’S THOUGHTS ON THE INTERIOR AMBIANCE, DÉCOR, PATRONS, ENTERTAINMENT, FOOD

Whoa, I thought you said this place was like a Hooters.  Awful small, kind of like your......Hahahahaha YEEEAAA, I AM THE JOKEMASTER FLASH!  AIN”T NO ONE JOCK ON MY RHYTHM!!!

This place is great.  All of the hockey shit on the walls is big pimpin’, my man!  YES!

/high fives bro

Look at all the Sharks stuff!  And the goalie masks!  THAT SHIT IS NO JOKE, NO F-IN JOKE, DAMMIT!!!  GOALIES ARE SICK MOFOS!  I would never be able to do that shit, man.  My dad only let me play golf in high school.  ALL-DISTRICT JUNIOR YEAR, I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!  EL DUDERINO!  TIGER WOODS IS A PUSSY!!!

/high fives bro

Hey, can I get a Guinness?  HOLY BALLS!  They have PINT CANS!!!  Never have I seen such AWESOMEITY SINCE CUTLER THREW THAT TD PASS THAT ONE TIME!!!

/high fives bro

/drinks

DUDE, NO WAY, BUBBLE HOCKEY!!!  F AND YES! 

/plays bubble hockey for 30 minutes, much high fiving is had

What’s that, you gotta take a piss?  Huh, yeah, that’s going to be difficult with such a tiny......   Yeah, I know, I know, but it’s still funny, man.  I’m gonna talk to these dudes over here while you own that piss, brah! 

Hey, wat up, guys?!  You ever been to this place?  Me neither, man, but I just work RIGHT DOWN THE FREAKIN’ STREET!!  HO HO HO Let me tell you, man, the workin’ world is a heartless beast!  Just like my ex!!!  HIGH FIVE MY F*CKIN SWEATY HAND!!!

/guys high five him

Man, you boyz like HOCKEY?!?  HELL YA!  Dude, I remember the Blades when I was a kid down there at Kimber (sic) Arena.  I went to a game once, and, bros, ooohhh bros, the FIGHTS!!!  The CARNAGE!!!  Bros, let me tell you. I was hooked.  HOOKED LIKE A HOOKER!  I HAD SEX WITH HOCKEY.  FOR MONEY.  LITERALLY!

/everyone chuckles awkwardly

/drinks

Whoa, dudes, this is my bro-worker.  Did you drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl??? hahahahaha wait, what?  YOU JUST DUMPED A PUCK IN THE EMPTY NET?!?!?! BWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!??!  But, dude, for real, I gotta know, is el baño clean?  It is?  HELL YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I AM F-IN TALKIN’ ABOUT!!!  THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SHOTS!!!!

/high fives bro

/does shots

Dude, man, bro, I have to tell ya, these bros I was just talkin’ to at this table over here: COOL ASS DUDES!  THEY ARE F-IN REAL FANS!  They LOVEhockey.  Bring it in boyz, toast this DRUNK MOFO!

/drinks

Bro, I don’t know what to watch, the Royals or hockey.  I look over here, BOOM, Royals.  Over there, BOOM, hockey.  One eye on each game, know wat I mean?!?

Bro, who is playing right now?  That’s the Devils, right?  THE DEVILS THE DEVILS!!!  Man, that shiz is crazy!  Who they playin’, the Moose or some shit?

Oh, the Panthers.  They play in Jacksonville, right?

Ah, yeah, SOUTH BEACH BABY!  I met this chick from Mi-ami when I was in Padre last summer.  DAT AZZ! 

/high fives bro

/drinks, wistfully

Hey, what do you think about Lebron?!  He’s no HIS AIRNESS.  More like HIS DOUCHENESS, AMIRITE?!?!!?!!!

/drinks

OH HELL YES, FOOD TIME BRO!!!  I’m so hungry I could eat some peanut butter off a Brazilian midget's butt.  THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!!

/high fives bro

/drinks

Dude...DUDE!!!!  I have to tell you something, and remember–NO HOMO–but for reals, I love you man.  Well, not you, but this TENDERLOIN!  This thing changed my life man, it’s changed the way I look at chicken.  It’s, like, religious or some shit.  Dip that mug in a bowl of gravy, YOU WILL CRY TEARS OF MANLY GOODNESS!!!

OVERALL – What did our bro think of the place?

Dude, DUDE, this place, IS AWESOME!  YOU KNOW I’ll be back.  After work, next Thursday?  Oh, yeah, we will own this place.  PARTY.  MOFO-IN.  ROCKIN’.  F-IN TOTES, MAN.

/high fives bro

Final assessment: 4 out of 5 Douchebag Mike Milburys

My Contribution to the "Doughty Laughing" Meme

LA Kings defenseman Drew Doughty was caught laughing at the chaos going on behind him during a scuffle in Game 2 of the Vancouver Canucks-Kings series.  This is important (as some people have pointed out) because it shows a more relaxed attitude than what the Kings had in their previous two playoff appearances.  But you don't need to know that.

What you need to know:

• Here is the original photo (also the header pic)
• Here is the video of the original photo
• Here is a gallery using the Doughty laughing image in situations where it otherwise would not be seen.

That's pretty much it.  After the jump, I have offered a few.

Cross between Happy/Struting Leo and Laughing Doughy

Doughty laughs at or laughs with Don Cherry

Nice tan lines, Doughty!

Doughty and Coach Dunlop have a revelation

Laughing Doughty and Illegal Poke Checking Clowe tripping Castro mish-mash

Gary Bettman Reveals the Potential Coyotes Mysterious International Ownership Group

Meanwhile, at NHL Headquarters...

(Charlie Brown teacher voice comes through the phone)

Gary Bettman (on phone): Yes, yes.  I know, Mrs. Scraggs.  And I keep telling you, it just doesn't work like that.  Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Hey, look, I have another call coming in.  How about this, when you can talk to me like an adult, call me back.

(Bettman clicks over to other line)

Bettman: Gary Bettman here, how may I help you?

Mysterious businessman: Hallo!  I am a, err, businessman from Germania, and I am mucho interestante in owning your Phoenix franchise.  Muy muy interestante!

Bettman: Um, okay.  I didn't know we had any international ownership groups interested in purchasing the Coyotes.

Mysterious businessman: Oh oui.  I have always wanted to own an NHL team, ever since I was a little mensch wearing my lederhosen on the frozen pond.

Bettman: Okay, do you have a name, by chance?

Mysterious businessman: All you need to know is that I represent a very importante investment group.

Bettman: And what is the name of your investment group?

Mysterious businessman: Um...its, uh...G....E...A.  Uh...German....Engineering....um...Artichokes...or something.

Bettman: Oookay... well, let's get down to business.  No BS.  What are you willing to offer us to purchase the organization?

Mysterious businessman: Anything you want.  We will do whatever it takes to make the Coyotes the most a la carte team in the league.  A la mode, if you will.

Bettman: You know what, I don't think we will be using your services.  Thanks for the offer, though.

Mysterious businessman: NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!  Achtung, Senor Bettman!  You need someone to own the sporting club, n'est-ce pas?

Bettman: Well, yes...

Mysterious businessman: Yes!  Si!  Da!  You need me!  You will amor me as an NHL owner!

Bettman: (heavy sigh) Mr. Leiweke, I know it's you, so please quit wasting my time.  I have more important things to do.  Plus, I'm meeting Shea Weber for dinner in twenty minutes.

Mysterious businessman: Mr. Leiweke.  Sacrebleu!  I know of no Monsieur Leiweke!

Bettman: Mr. Leiweke, I know it's you, and you already know you cannot own two NHL franchises.  As the owner of the Kings, you are disqualified from the Coyotes...err...sweepstakes.

Tim Leiweke:  Oh, well, haha.  Sorry, Gar-bear.  Just pullin' your leg.  But, for reals, let me own another franchise.

Bettman: No.

Leiweke: Ah man, that's not fair!

Bettman:  I know.

(Bettman hangs up phone)

Great Moments In Illegal Ryane Clowe Poke Checking History

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As you might have seen or heard from last night's San Jose Sharks-Los Angeles Kings game, late in the game the Sharks forward Ryane Clowe reached over the boards to break up a Kings rush into the offensive zone.  This is illegal, but the problem is, none of the officials on the ice saw it happen.  The Sharks would go on to win in a shootout, and the winner of their game on Saturday now could determine who is the Pacific Division champion and gets the third seed in the Western Conference.

Video of the play below:

After doing a little research, I found out this isn't the first time Ryane Clowe has been involved in illegally using his stick.  Take a walk down memory lane, and see what else Clowe has done without the officials, or anyone, taking notice.



Ah yes, the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals.  Everyone remembers Brett Hull's series winning goal where he skated through the crease, at the time against the NHL's "Crease Rule."  Due to all of the crease hoopla, no one noticed Ryane Clowe STANDING IN THE GOAL poke checking the puck back onto Hull's stick after Hasek makes the initial save.

Every hockey fan has seen Bobby Orr's "The Goal" photo before, taken during the 1970 Stanley Cup Finals.  The goal would give the Bruins their first Stanley Cup since 1941.  But, have you really looked at it?  Although this is an iconic photo, it would have never happened if Clowe didn't come off the bench and skate as the sixth man on the ice for A FULL MINUTE without the officials noticing.  He also wore a helmet before it was required, and was colorized before it was cool.  What a putz.

Remember when Kelsey Grammer (TV's Fraiser) fell off of a stage while giving a presentation?  Ryan Clowe sure does.

This year's Wrestlemania was one that will live in the memories of wrestling fans everywhere.  HHH vs Undertaker with Shawn Michaels as the ref, in an END OF AN ERA match.  Rock vs Cena, the match to decide what was better: The Attitude Era or PG Era.  And the quickest match in the history of Wrestlemania, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus.  As you know, Bryan's girlfriend AJ gave him a good luck kiss after the starting bell rang, allowing Sheamus to catch Bryan off guard, Brogue kick him, and end the match in 18 seconds.  Well, if you look closely, AJ isn't the only one to blame.  It appears someone tripped up Bryan before he could fully turn around to face his opponent.  Also, Clowe wears a stupid pixelation suit, which really looks bad in HD.

I hate to break it to everyone, but, no, an iceberg didn't sink the Titanic.  I guess that means if you pay to see Titanic 3D you are contributing to lies.

Ryane Clowe tripped Fidel Castro.  Oh, I guess this one isn't so bad.  Carry on.

The NHL Templars Have a Problem, And Only One Man Can Help

Preface:  If you haven't read this post yet, then you are going to have no idea what the hell is going on.  Click the hotlink, read that, then your opinion of how stupid this is will really matter.

NHL Headquarters, Somewhere in Toronto, Last Week

*Knock* *knock*

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NHL Grand Master Gary Bettman: Yes, thou art welcome in mine quarters.

(Steward Bill de Daly enters solar chambers)

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Bill de Daly: Greetings, Master Bettman.  How does this day find you?

Bettman:  Not so well, kind steward.  For thou see, there art cracks in our once impenetrable sallyport.

Daly: Sir, I just came through the sallyport.  Twas nothing....

 Bettman: Silence, thou fool!  I do not mean the literal sallyport, I speak of our plans.  For thee see, the knights of Phoenix will soon be forced from their lodgings by our men, and sent elsewhere.

Daly: Where, my Lord?  I have already quoth they will not move, and I shall not requite thee wishes.  I had four messengers clubbed for fabricating lies.  Those men cannot surely speak truth?

Bettman:  No, but you see, the men of Phoenix WILL move, and do so as quick that sparks will fly from stones after them.  The Quebecers want the refugees in exchange for millions of pounds, their excess of burnished gold, and thousands of hides throughout the whole of the Quebecian kingdom.

Daly:  I misunderstand thee...

Bettman: They art constructing a new Knight’s Hall for the men of Phoenix. We plan to send those men to Quebec, for we can no longer expect decent tax collection from their current estate.  We shalt collect the offering of the Quebecers in exchange.

Daly: I beseech thee, my Lord, this is not right.  The commoners will find out. They will call ye unstable! They will riot!  They will worry for their safety, and see ye head on a pike!

Bettman:  SCOFF!!!  So help me He that sitteth on high, ‘twas not my errand to worry on commoners and their petty bickering!  I placed men in the Spanish stronghold of Miami.  At first all spoke of me as a fool, but now they call me a genius.  I sent men from Ford de Hart and Winnipeg to the southern fiefdoms, and now they hail me as a king!  The commoners do not burden me.  Tis those villages without knights art mine burden.  They continue to build grand halls in hopes of getting their own cavalry, but we do not have the manpower to expand our forces.  Thus, the lords of these villages can cause unrest amongst other lords with men at their disposal.  We need a diversion, something to keep everyone satisfied, while making a move to Quebec.

Daly:  We could trick these marshals, these so-called “owners.”  Then we could steal the knights away to Quebec.

Bettman:  Thou art the wisest in the world, indeed!

Daly:  What art thou most troublesome fiefs, my Lord?

Bettman:  Well, those that cause trouble the most seek to build, or have built, new battlements.

Daly:  Thou art refer to Seattle?

Bettman: Ah, yes, Seattle.  Now that’s a fine burgage.  The moneylender Christopher d’Hansen has a new hall he wishes to place men in, though these men be of great stature.  We need not do much to appease him.  Alert their local propaganda machine, for widespread news of a possible protective force will make him glad.

(Daly sends a letter to KING 5 in Seatte.  Quoth KING 5: “We want the NBA”.)  

Daly:  Who art else?  What of Jim Balsillie d’Ontario?

Bettman:  Ah, yes, a tragic tale, his.  I banished him to the oubliette weeks ago. Too troublesome, was he.  If you remember, a similar plan years ago, to appease the burg of Hamilton? Thee broke our covenant, thee was recreant in doing so.  Thee went too far.  If we are not careful, the same thing will happen in Saskatoon.  Laugh will I at the thought of my knights in Saskatoon...

But, one fief is troublemsome to the stability of my rule.  City de Kansas.

Daly: City de Kansas?  Art thou foolish?  Explain ye reasons.

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Bettman:  Lord Leiweke owns a hall in that realm.  Many fortnights before, we embarked on a night of merrymaking; there is something that Lady Bettman must not know about, something that only Lord Leiweke swears not to tell.  That is why I gifted him the cavalry in City de Angels.  He is a great foe, and I must continue to please him.  I need not say more... summon him AT ONCE!

(Sir de Daly summons Lord Tim Leiweke)

(Time passes)

(Lord Tim Leiweke enters the Great Hall of NHL Headquarters on horseback)

Lord Leiweke:  WWWAAAATTTTTT UUUUPPPPP, bros, joes, and coooo-missioners?!?!?!?!

Bettman:  I summon ye to discuss a matter of deep importance, and I ask of thou and I to enter into a convenant.

Lord Leiweke:  Sure, brah, I can do you a solid.  But, remembs, you have to come out here and shred hardcore with me, dude!  We had a deal when I bought the Kings.

Bettman:  (Sighs) All that ever I promised, that shall I keep with good will.  My truth on it.  Now, Sir Leiweke...

Leiweke:  “Hollywood.”

Bettman:  Nay, I beg thee pardon?

Leiweke:  It’s “Hollywood”, bro.  I’m totes lax with names and shiz.  All of my peeps are down with it.

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Bettman:  Okay, Sir... um, Hollywood.  Do you recall the hall ye constructed in City de Kansas?

Hollywood:  Yeeeaaaa, bro.  Imma just waitin’ for it to be stocked with some cool bros...and brews!  Ha ha you know I be pullin’ yer dangle, my man. But, for reals, when you gonna hook me up with an army?  That’d be off the Richter!

Bettman:  That is why I summoned thee.  The knights of Phoenix may go without homes soon, and I think ye hall in City de Kansas will provide suitable residence for them.  Art thou willing to accept this undertaking, provided it is offered?

Hollywood:  Sure, dude.  I mean, Ol’ Sly Fox ain’t too keen on bringin’ in a bunch of posers, but it’s whateves.  Anything for you, King Betts.

Bettman:  Please refer to me as Grand Master Bettman.

Hollywood:  Word, yo.

Bettman:  Okay, sir.  Now to our covenant.

Hollywood:  Lay it on me.

Bettman:  Relay the message I have told ye.  Tell everyone in the City de Kansas the words of our meeting. 

Hollywood:  That’s it?  Hell, dude, you know me, I’ll let the bros know.  It’s all radical, KB.  You can count on me.

Bettman:  Now, thank you for this above all else, sir knight.  Thou art dismissed.

Hollywood:  Hold on, let me try something before I bounce.

(Recites opening paragraphs of “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight”)

WHOOAAAA!!!!  Totally righteous, huh?!?!  Just a little somethin’ I picked up from the dudes down at the chapel.  Y’all certainly have a twisted way of talkin’.  Peace OOOUUUTTTTT!!!!!!! 

(Tim “Hollywood” Leiweke leaves)

Daly:  Do ye think thy great words hath fooled him?

Bettman: Of course!  He is but lord in name only, and does not understand our way.  Besides, much of his riches have been made from acrobats and jesters filling his many halls, and not from any fighting force.  He is a wretched man, a mere scullion, but one I must appease. 

(NHL messenger Sir Darren-Dreger d’TSN bursts into the chambers)

Bettman:  Oh look, my loyal messenger.  Light thee down, and profess thy news.

Sir d’TSN: My Lord, I and my fellow messengers hath spread word throughout the kingdom of ye wish to replace the Phoenix knights to the fiefs of Quebec, Seattle, and City de Kansas.  Alas, the new hall in Quebec has caused much distress among the people of the latter two burgs.  Word has spreadt throughout thy kingdom that you favor Quebec, and...

Bettman: Sir Daly!  Go, now, and spread the word to the people that we knowst nothing about this new hall, nor do we care.

Daly:  Yes, my Lord.

(Daly leaves)

Sir d’TSN: Is there anything else thou needs?

Bettman: Yes, have the men ready the trebuchet.  I have a meeting with the NHLPA presently.

HUZZAHHHH!!!!!