So, the NHL Playoffs Start Soon...

I'll just leave this here:

This is from today.  Oh, by the way, the Penguins and Flyers will more than likely play each other in the first round when the playoffs start in about two weeks.  If you are a Kansas Citian and just starting to get into hockey, what better time to do so than now.

Best part? Between 5:53-6:04 of the video.

The NHL Templars Have a Problem, And Only One Man Can Help

Preface:  If you haven't read this post yet, then you are going to have no idea what the hell is going on.  Click the hotlink, read that, then your opinion of how stupid this is will really matter.

NHL Headquarters, Somewhere in Toronto, Last Week

*Knock* *knock*

Via

NHL Grand Master Gary Bettman: Yes, thou art welcome in mine quarters.

(Steward Bill de Daly enters solar chambers)

Via

Bill de Daly: Greetings, Master Bettman.  How does this day find you?

Bettman:  Not so well, kind steward.  For thou see, there art cracks in our once impenetrable sallyport.

Daly: Sir, I just came through the sallyport.  Twas nothing....

 Bettman: Silence, thou fool!  I do not mean the literal sallyport, I speak of our plans.  For thee see, the knights of Phoenix will soon be forced from their lodgings by our men, and sent elsewhere.

Daly: Where, my Lord?  I have already quoth they will not move, and I shall not requite thee wishes.  I had four messengers clubbed for fabricating lies.  Those men cannot surely speak truth?

Bettman:  No, but you see, the men of Phoenix WILL move, and do so as quick that sparks will fly from stones after them.  The Quebecers want the refugees in exchange for millions of pounds, their excess of burnished gold, and thousands of hides throughout the whole of the Quebecian kingdom.

Daly:  I misunderstand thee...

Bettman: They art constructing a new Knight’s Hall for the men of Phoenix. We plan to send those men to Quebec, for we can no longer expect decent tax collection from their current estate.  We shalt collect the offering of the Quebecers in exchange.

Daly: I beseech thee, my Lord, this is not right.  The commoners will find out. They will call ye unstable! They will riot!  They will worry for their safety, and see ye head on a pike!

Bettman:  SCOFF!!!  So help me He that sitteth on high, ‘twas not my errand to worry on commoners and their petty bickering!  I placed men in the Spanish stronghold of Miami.  At first all spoke of me as a fool, but now they call me a genius.  I sent men from Ford de Hart and Winnipeg to the southern fiefdoms, and now they hail me as a king!  The commoners do not burden me.  Tis those villages without knights art mine burden.  They continue to build grand halls in hopes of getting their own cavalry, but we do not have the manpower to expand our forces.  Thus, the lords of these villages can cause unrest amongst other lords with men at their disposal.  We need a diversion, something to keep everyone satisfied, while making a move to Quebec.

Daly:  We could trick these marshals, these so-called “owners.”  Then we could steal the knights away to Quebec.

Bettman:  Thou art the wisest in the world, indeed!

Daly:  What art thou most troublesome fiefs, my Lord?

Bettman:  Well, those that cause trouble the most seek to build, or have built, new battlements.

Daly:  Thou art refer to Seattle?

Bettman: Ah, yes, Seattle.  Now that’s a fine burgage.  The moneylender Christopher d’Hansen has a new hall he wishes to place men in, though these men be of great stature.  We need not do much to appease him.  Alert their local propaganda machine, for widespread news of a possible protective force will make him glad.

(Daly sends a letter to KING 5 in Seatte.  Quoth KING 5: “We want the NBA”.)  

Daly:  Who art else?  What of Jim Balsillie d’Ontario?

Bettman:  Ah, yes, a tragic tale, his.  I banished him to the oubliette weeks ago. Too troublesome, was he.  If you remember, a similar plan years ago, to appease the burg of Hamilton? Thee broke our covenant, thee was recreant in doing so.  Thee went too far.  If we are not careful, the same thing will happen in Saskatoon.  Laugh will I at the thought of my knights in Saskatoon...

But, one fief is troublemsome to the stability of my rule.  City de Kansas.

Daly: City de Kansas?  Art thou foolish?  Explain ye reasons.

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Bettman:  Lord Leiweke owns a hall in that realm.  Many fortnights before, we embarked on a night of merrymaking; there is something that Lady Bettman must not know about, something that only Lord Leiweke swears not to tell.  That is why I gifted him the cavalry in City de Angels.  He is a great foe, and I must continue to please him.  I need not say more... summon him AT ONCE!

(Sir de Daly summons Lord Tim Leiweke)

(Time passes)

(Lord Tim Leiweke enters the Great Hall of NHL Headquarters on horseback)

Lord Leiweke:  WWWAAAATTTTTT UUUUPPPPP, bros, joes, and coooo-missioners?!?!?!?!

Bettman:  I summon ye to discuss a matter of deep importance, and I ask of thou and I to enter into a convenant.

Lord Leiweke:  Sure, brah, I can do you a solid.  But, remembs, you have to come out here and shred hardcore with me, dude!  We had a deal when I bought the Kings.

Bettman:  (Sighs) All that ever I promised, that shall I keep with good will.  My truth on it.  Now, Sir Leiweke...

Leiweke:  “Hollywood.”

Bettman:  Nay, I beg thee pardon?

Leiweke:  It’s “Hollywood”, bro.  I’m totes lax with names and shiz.  All of my peeps are down with it.

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Bettman:  Okay, Sir... um, Hollywood.  Do you recall the hall ye constructed in City de Kansas?

Hollywood:  Yeeeaaaa, bro.  Imma just waitin’ for it to be stocked with some cool bros...and brews!  Ha ha you know I be pullin’ yer dangle, my man. But, for reals, when you gonna hook me up with an army?  That’d be off the Richter!

Bettman:  That is why I summoned thee.  The knights of Phoenix may go without homes soon, and I think ye hall in City de Kansas will provide suitable residence for them.  Art thou willing to accept this undertaking, provided it is offered?

Hollywood:  Sure, dude.  I mean, Ol’ Sly Fox ain’t too keen on bringin’ in a bunch of posers, but it’s whateves.  Anything for you, King Betts.

Bettman:  Please refer to me as Grand Master Bettman.

Hollywood:  Word, yo.

Bettman:  Okay, sir.  Now to our covenant.

Hollywood:  Lay it on me.

Bettman:  Relay the message I have told ye.  Tell everyone in the City de Kansas the words of our meeting. 

Hollywood:  That’s it?  Hell, dude, you know me, I’ll let the bros know.  It’s all radical, KB.  You can count on me.

Bettman:  Now, thank you for this above all else, sir knight.  Thou art dismissed.

Hollywood:  Hold on, let me try something before I bounce.

(Recites opening paragraphs of “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight”)

WHOOAAAA!!!!  Totally righteous, huh?!?!  Just a little somethin’ I picked up from the dudes down at the chapel.  Y’all certainly have a twisted way of talkin’.  Peace OOOUUUTTTTT!!!!!!! 

(Tim “Hollywood” Leiweke leaves)

Daly:  Do ye think thy great words hath fooled him?

Bettman: Of course!  He is but lord in name only, and does not understand our way.  Besides, much of his riches have been made from acrobats and jesters filling his many halls, and not from any fighting force.  He is a wretched man, a mere scullion, but one I must appease. 

(NHL messenger Sir Darren-Dreger d’TSN bursts into the chambers)

Bettman:  Oh look, my loyal messenger.  Light thee down, and profess thy news.

Sir d’TSN: My Lord, I and my fellow messengers hath spread word throughout the kingdom of ye wish to replace the Phoenix knights to the fiefs of Quebec, Seattle, and City de Kansas.  Alas, the new hall in Quebec has caused much distress among the people of the latter two burgs.  Word has spreadt throughout thy kingdom that you favor Quebec, and...

Bettman: Sir Daly!  Go, now, and spread the word to the people that we knowst nothing about this new hall, nor do we care.

Daly:  Yes, my Lord.

(Daly leaves)

Sir d’TSN: Is there anything else thou needs?

Bettman: Yes, have the men ready the trebuchet.  I have a meeting with the NHLPA presently.

HUZZAHHHH!!!!!

Quebec Fallout: What the Hell is Going On Out Here?

NHL Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly and the Travel Channel's Andrew Zimmern. Separated at birth?

I was harsh on ruling Gary Bettman a "failure" when it comes to the possible move of the Phoenix Coyotes (or some mystery franchise -- I'm looking at you Dallas) to Quebec City.  Two franchises relocating to cities that have lost teams earlier in your tenure does not necessarily make you a failure.  Nor does one lockout (now two, that may be a problem).  I'll admit, that's a harse assessment.  Bettman has transformed the NHL into a multi-billion dollar industry by spreading the sport to other markets and through TV rights deals.  Plus, he confesses to his mistakes.  I guess that's a good thing, even from a fan's standpoint.  But, I come from an American perspective.  Canadians do not want him to take hockey away from its homeland and place it in the desert or the beach.  Which makes sense, more or less, because although I would like to see more Canadian MLB teams it's hard to imagine the outrage if, say, the Rays moved up north. (By the way, just for fun, I searched "What are good things Gary Bettman has done for hockey?" into Google.  Not a lot of positive reviews came up.  Just FYI.)

Perhaps, though, much of the fuel of my anger comes from this assumption that the Coyotes are already on their way to Quebec.  An assumption, of course.

From the CBC:

NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly was asked on Sunday whether the possibility of the struggling Phoenix Coyotes being relocated to Quebec City was strengthened by the announcement on Sunday. 

"No, there's nothing new here," Daly wrote in an e-mail.

The same Bill Daly that denied any deal was done less than a month ago.  Damn, Daly sounds like one tough hombre.  Do not cross that man.

His response makes sense, though.  The NHL is not going to tip its hand, nor outright say "Oh heck, yeah, that changes everything!"  No, they are playing the game just like everyone else in this situation.  Quebecor, that crazy Saskatoon guy, any and all of the Coyotes possible owners.  Everybody.  What we know is that the NHL is doing everything they can (or have done everything they could for the past three years) to keep the Coyotes at Jobing.com Arena.  Meanwhile, Quebec City and Seattle are building arenas and assembling owner-type people in hopes of getting a wayward franchise.  In reality, Mayflower moving trucks are not converging on Glendale, Arizona as you read this.  Possibly...

And that's where it gets confusing.

Earlier this week we heard about the NHL's "Plan B", their probable contingency plan for the Coyotes if all ownership candidates fall through.  In that contingency plan, the NHL will likely relocate the team to one of three cities: Seattle, Quebec City, or Kansas City.

From PucKChaser:

Kansas City was mentioned as a “in the mix”, but no one has ever explained why. 

That is the money statement, right there.  Quebec makes sense because of what we have seen from Quebecor and the new arena, etc.  Seattle makes sense because of their possible arena deal, and a possible owner attached to said arena.  Kansas City makes sense because of... is it still because of the Sprint Center?  Or AEG?  Barbecue...?  Something does not add up.

Easy answer:  The NHL is full of crap.
Fun answer: We are not being told everything, and the rabbit hole goes much much deeper than we know.  Kansas City, Seattle, and Quebec City.  Those three cities, not any others.  Apparently, they have more significance than Las Vegas or Saskatoon in this case.  We just do not know exactly why.  Obviously, though, the NHL must be on speaking terms with these cities.  Therefore, Bill Daly's comments do not hold much truth.  Then again, they do.  The NHL could care less about new arenas.  Also, not only has the NHL not sold the Coyotes, they have a Plan B.  But, a new Quebec or Seattle arena will not sway that opinion.  What about the owners.  Pierre-Karl Peladeau and Quebecor in Quebec.  Christopher Hansen et al. in Seattle.  Who in Kansas City?  Mystery guy?  Has AEG found someone and nobody knows.  Not likely.  But, what strange goings-on, indeed.

The only thing that might have some truth is that the NHL operates like the Knights Templar, guarding secrets and leaking (possibly) faulty information to keep us all guessing.

Playing with the King of Hearts, knowing it ain't really smart.

Quebec New Arena Deal -- Build It and Someone Might Come (ADDENDUM)

Read this first:

Puck Daddy: New $400 million, 18,000 seat arena in Quebec City to be ready by Sept. 2015

That's ridiculous!  What city would build an arena with one already, and no prospective tenant for --- what, uh, ohhhh...

In fairness, Kemper Arena is past its prime, and Kansas City wanted to embark on a huge downtown revitalization plan.  The Sprint Center was to become a showpiece, an arena that could lure any and all concerts, acts, sporting events, and performances and generate revenue for the city with nearby restaurants and watering holes (i.e. Power and Light District).  Sprint Center was a replacement for Kemper, and it has served that purpose and then some.  It doesn't have a permanent tenant, but it does bring big acts to Kansas City.  In the paraphrased words of Tim Leiweke, "it doesn't need a permanent tenant to be successful."  It can stand alone.  So, does Quebec need a new arena?

In March, Labeaume said that millions of dollars in upgrades would be completed this summer to Le Colisee, the former home of the Nordiques; so should the Phoenix Coyotes -- or any other NHL team given the sharp left turn that happened a year ago -- have to be relocated this summer, a temporary home in Quebec would be available for the next three years while the new arena is being built.

Just a quick look at the ExpoCite, or Colisee Pepsi website, one can see that the building is not short on events.  Pitbull is coming, and OH LOOK an evening with Bryan Adams!!!  Only an evening?!?!

My point is, does a metropolitian area with under one million residents need TWO arenas (or "amphitheaters," as Quebecers call it)?  Obviously, Quebec doesn't need a new arena, they just want a NHL team, again.  That is just a rather specfic use of money.

Good luck to Quebec and Quebecor in their quest for a NHL franchise, but if another team from Gary Bettman's southern influence zone (*cough* Phoenix *cough*) were to move north of the border, I think it might be time to search for a new commissoner.  And, yes, a lot of people will say Bettman sucks already and he has ruined the league blah blah blah, but spreading the game in American markets has been his plight since he started in the '90s, and failing that WILL make him a failure as a commissoner.

But, really, wouldn't we all be a lot happier if every NHL team played in Canada?

ADDENDUM
Okay, maybe not a failure, but it certainly will be a major goal he did not accomplish during his tenure.  Then again, if Phoenix or whoever moves to Quebec, you really can't blame league officials for trying to sustain the league for the future.  There is no doubt Quebec will take to a new team as well as Winnipeg (and a fan of the sport would hope that support will last), but what does the NHL care about more: large markets, or filled arenas?