Puck Reviews: The Blue Line Sports Bar

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This is a fictional review based on actual person/ people you probably know.  Today’s review is of the Kansas City area’s only hockey bar, The Blue Line.  You can find The Blue Line in the River Market district downtown at 529 Walnut, Kansas City, MO.  And online at thebluelinekc.com

My personal opinion: It’s quaint, it has a lot of cool hockey stuff on the walls, and it shows hockey.  All you need as a hockey fan, right?  For bar food, the food is actually pretty decent.  When hockey isn’t going on, they show sports and whatnot, so it’s just another nice place to hang out downtown.  Nothing flashy, but cool to have here in town.  But don’t take it from me, check it out yourself!

Today’s reviewer: Some middle-management type bro in his late-20s from a downtown corporate office nearby going to the bar with some friends from work.  He’s totes pumped about a new hockey bar in KC!  And, don’t be offended if you think he is shouting at you, because he is, but it's not your fault.

BRO’S THOUGHTS ON THE EXTERIOR AMBIANCE – River Market, businesses nearby, etc.

Dude, I am TOTES STOKED to go to this new place tonight!  You have NO IDEA!  WORK. F-IN. BLEW. DONKEYS.  Just like your mom!  AAAAWWW YEEAAA!!!! I TOLD YOU I’D GET YA!  But, for real, my bad boss.

The River Market.  So busy, so eclectic. Minsky’s.  That Mexican place.  That Chinese place.  That place with the boat from India or whatever.  Look at all of that Asian scribble on that building!  THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS MADE OF!!! Where else can you turn an abandon ice plant into lofts?  NO-WHERES, that’s where.  Breathe it in boyz, this is what it’s all about.  THIS IS WHY I GRADUATED EARLY, TO EXPERIENCE THIS!  THREE YEAS FOR AN ACCOUNTING DEGREE AND I’M NOT EVEN JEWISH!!!  AND I STILL HAD TIME TO WORK OUT!!!

And what a view of downtown, baby.  LARGEST G-D BUILDING IN THE STATE OF MISSOURI!  KANSAS CITY REPRESENT!!!

BRO’S THOUGHTS ON THE INTERIOR AMBIANCE, DÉCOR, PATRONS, ENTERTAINMENT, FOOD

Whoa, I thought you said this place was like a Hooters.  Awful small, kind of like your......Hahahahaha YEEEAAA, I AM THE JOKEMASTER FLASH!  AIN”T NO ONE JOCK ON MY RHYTHM!!!

This place is great.  All of the hockey shit on the walls is big pimpin’, my man!  YES!

/high fives bro

Look at all the Sharks stuff!  And the goalie masks!  THAT SHIT IS NO JOKE, NO F-IN JOKE, DAMMIT!!!  GOALIES ARE SICK MOFOS!  I would never be able to do that shit, man.  My dad only let me play golf in high school.  ALL-DISTRICT JUNIOR YEAR, I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!  EL DUDERINO!  TIGER WOODS IS A PUSSY!!!

/high fives bro

Hey, can I get a Guinness?  HOLY BALLS!  They have PINT CANS!!!  Never have I seen such AWESOMEITY SINCE CUTLER THREW THAT TD PASS THAT ONE TIME!!!

/high fives bro

/drinks

DUDE, NO WAY, BUBBLE HOCKEY!!!  F AND YES! 

/plays bubble hockey for 30 minutes, much high fiving is had

What’s that, you gotta take a piss?  Huh, yeah, that’s going to be difficult with such a tiny......   Yeah, I know, I know, but it’s still funny, man.  I’m gonna talk to these dudes over here while you own that piss, brah! 

Hey, wat up, guys?!  You ever been to this place?  Me neither, man, but I just work RIGHT DOWN THE FREAKIN’ STREET!!  HO HO HO Let me tell you, man, the workin’ world is a heartless beast!  Just like my ex!!!  HIGH FIVE MY F*CKIN SWEATY HAND!!!

/guys high five him

Man, you boyz like HOCKEY?!?  HELL YA!  Dude, I remember the Blades when I was a kid down there at Kimber (sic) Arena.  I went to a game once, and, bros, ooohhh bros, the FIGHTS!!!  The CARNAGE!!!  Bros, let me tell you. I was hooked.  HOOKED LIKE A HOOKER!  I HAD SEX WITH HOCKEY.  FOR MONEY.  LITERALLY!

/everyone chuckles awkwardly

/drinks

Whoa, dudes, this is my bro-worker.  Did you drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl??? hahahahaha wait, what?  YOU JUST DUMPED A PUCK IN THE EMPTY NET?!?!?! BWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!??!  But, dude, for real, I gotta know, is el baño clean?  It is?  HELL YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I AM F-IN TALKIN’ ABOUT!!!  THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SHOTS!!!!

/high fives bro

/does shots

Dude, man, bro, I have to tell ya, these bros I was just talkin’ to at this table over here: COOL ASS DUDES!  THEY ARE F-IN REAL FANS!  They LOVEhockey.  Bring it in boyz, toast this DRUNK MOFO!

/drinks

Bro, I don’t know what to watch, the Royals or hockey.  I look over here, BOOM, Royals.  Over there, BOOM, hockey.  One eye on each game, know wat I mean?!?

Bro, who is playing right now?  That’s the Devils, right?  THE DEVILS THE DEVILS!!!  Man, that shiz is crazy!  Who they playin’, the Moose or some shit?

Oh, the Panthers.  They play in Jacksonville, right?

Ah, yeah, SOUTH BEACH BABY!  I met this chick from Mi-ami when I was in Padre last summer.  DAT AZZ! 

/high fives bro

/drinks, wistfully

Hey, what do you think about Lebron?!  He’s no HIS AIRNESS.  More like HIS DOUCHENESS, AMIRITE?!?!!?!!!

/drinks

OH HELL YES, FOOD TIME BRO!!!  I’m so hungry I could eat some peanut butter off a Brazilian midget's butt.  THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!!

/high fives bro

/drinks

Dude...DUDE!!!!  I have to tell you something, and remember–NO HOMO–but for reals, I love you man.  Well, not you, but this TENDERLOIN!  This thing changed my life man, it’s changed the way I look at chicken.  It’s, like, religious or some shit.  Dip that mug in a bowl of gravy, YOU WILL CRY TEARS OF MANLY GOODNESS!!!

OVERALL – What did our bro think of the place?

Dude, DUDE, this place, IS AWESOME!  YOU KNOW I’ll be back.  After work, next Thursday?  Oh, yeah, we will own this place.  PARTY.  MOFO-IN.  ROCKIN’.  F-IN TOTES, MAN.

/high fives bro

Final assessment: 4 out of 5 Douchebag Mike Milburys

New York Rangers and Colorado Avalanche Come to Sprint Center October 6th!!!

Hell yeah, another NHL exhibition game!  This October 6th, Kansas City-area hockey fans will have the treat of seeing the New York Rangers and Colorado Avalanche play a late-preseason hockey game.  At the Sprint Center.  Here, in KANSAS CITY!!!  This is an interesting matchup between two teams that have absolutely no reason to come here to play a game (let's get the rumor started that the Avalanche are relocating, shall we?).  It's already been said and assumed, but this is the first game that does not feature the Blues (the club with the closest geographic proximity), the Kings (owned by AEG), or teams with a history of wanting to relocate (Islanders and Penguins–the Pens after the fact, of course).  This means, presumably, that the NHL and AEG are either a) continuing to test the waters in Kansas City to see just how popular the NHL brand is here or b) just giving us what we want.  I know I speak for all KC hockey fans when saying who gives a crap why we get another exhibition game here, I'm just glad we get one.  Also, OH WELL WHO CARES LOL HOCKEY!!!!!


I've mentioned it before, and I will do it again and again and again every year that at least one exhibition game plays here, but this means something to KC hockey fans.  If you are a hockey fan in or around KC, and this doesn't mean something to you, "well, then, that's, like, your opinion, man," and your opinion is wrong.  Yes, we all enjoy the Mavericks, and yes, we all want an NHL team, but it's just not a reality at the moment.  Five years from now, though, could be a different story.  This is our game (not "Our Time," because holy crap) to enjoy the NHL.  Just think how much fun our cross state neighbors had this season with the Blues.  Or think about those hockey fans in South Florida, finally getting to see playoff hockey for the first time since 2000.  Or, jeez, if I could find a video of the LA Kings Fanzone/LA Live pre-game stuff for their playoff games, wow, THATS a party any hockey fan can enjoy.  We may have that one day, but for right now, for at least one night, that's us, man.  That's freakin' us.

And, for you local Avs and Rangers fans, I can tell you as a Kings fan, seeing the team I follow in the arena in my hometown is like a dream come true.  It's just...well, let me put it this way: It's better than sex, if sex was performed on ice.

For one game we have a hockey team to follow right here in our own hometown, that's why it's so frustrating to read an interview with ESPN's senior vice-president Vince Doria who says, "hockey doesn't...transfer much to a national discussion" when asked why ESPN doesn't have much hockey coverage.  Pardon my French (kids, close your eyes for the next few words), but I call bullshit.  It's bullshit that hockey isn't in "the national discussion."  It's bullshit that radio/TV talk shows don't talk about it.  He goes on to say, "For whatever reason, and this is my unsubstantiated research on it, hockey doesn't generate that same kind of interest nationwide [Ed: bold is mine]," which is somehow even bigger bullshit that saying hockey isn't part of a national discussion.  Doria, as a professional in his field, holds a myopic view of American culture.  Patrick Burns over at Deadspin is right to say that ESPN, for better or worse, forms the national discussion.  They have risen to a point of dictating all talking points of the casual sports fan, but saying that sports conversations can't  happen organically makes us hockey fans seem like grain-defying hipsters.  No, KC isn't an NHL or NBA market, so no, our talk radio shows will not give them a lot of air time.  But, there are fans of all teams here (yes, even Blackhawk fans), and it's not like the NHL is only spoken about in a 23-city vacuum in America.  Hey look, here's a Kings fan (me).  Oh, wow, Blues fans (most hockey fans around the state of Missouri).  Oh, look over there, Pens fans (80% of the exhibition crowd last year, apparently).  Wow, even a Rangers fan.  How exotic.

The point to all of this: For one night we get to have our own conversation, and hopefully one day, sooner rather than later (but definitely not that soon), we will have about 82 of these conversations every year.

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Oh, yeah, also, don't forget to follow me on Twitter: @FlubberMcGee.  I already have a bunch of KC related hockey links for you to check out, and even more now with the news of the exhibition game.  Check it out and stay up to date.

The Distinguished Sports Observer's Guide to Avoiding the Words "Classless" and "Dirty"

Via ESPN

I hate to start anything with a “Webster’s Dictionary states...” style definition, but it has a point, so bear with me:

class*less
adjective
1. (of a society) not divided into social classes.

 Wait a minute, that’s not right.  Okay, maybe this is closer.

2. characterized by the absence of economic and social distinctions

 Not really, but kind of...wait, okay here we go:

class  

adjective 

informal: showing stylish excellence

Classless.  Without class.  Having no class.  Sans class.  The inability to show stylish excellence.  These are all ideas of classlessness.  In the sports world, classless relates to a direct and wiling attack against the rules with the intent of harming another player or the laws of the game.  Playing the game with a reckless disregard for all things good and just in the sport.  Playing outside of the box, in effect, is not allowed in the sports world.  Walter Sobchak would have made a great commissioner with the motto, “Am I the only one around here who gives a sh*t about the rules?”  But, if a player does this enough, or in a gloriously reckless way, they are labeled by the fans of that sports as a “cheat”, “dirty”, or “classless”.  In hockey it can range from anything from playing the puck from the bench, to making direct intentional contact with another player for the sake of injuring that player or to seek retribution, to sucker punching an opponent in the back of the head.  The NHL’s most recent talking point revolves around intent to injure, most notably, headshots and removing dangerous collisions. 

One hopes that Brendan Shanahan and the rest of the NHL rules people are doing their best to get rid of the dirty plays much like those hot beats off of Raffi Torres’s Greatest Hits Album.  But, to call someone like Torres dirty is missing the point: his style of play is no longer tolerated in the NHL.  He must serve a 25 game suspension, and if he doesn’t straighten up and fly right after serving his suspension, he will be socially ostracized, he will be awarded no points, and may God have mercy on his soul.

But, what does it mean to be a classless, dirty, goon, punk, no-good dirty rotten rebel hotshot who plays by no one else’s rules but his own?  Well, by playing outside of the box, they essentially play outside of the established rules.  Thus not playing the game hard, fast, clean, and with “stylish excellence”, right?  How about playing without “integrity”, which literally means just playing within the rules.  It’s when players play outside of the established rules, jeopardizing the “integrity of the game”, that commissioner Gary Bettman or Shanahan step in.

Recently, the hard part for the League is defining “integrity”, a continuously fluid idea in a violent sport like hockey.  A hit legal in the year 2000 is not legal now, for obvious reasons, but it does not mean that players avoided making that hit then.  The role of the goon, like–albeit a fictional example–the Hanson brothers from the movie Slapshot, a reckless abandon style of player on most lineups through the early to mid-2000s, has all but disappeared from most teams in an effort to implement more offense and skill to the game.

Sometimes the League's definition of this fluid idea causes confusion among players and coaches.  Applying this idea to the recent Pens–Flyers series and final meetings in the regular season, one sees how team personnel and the League can interpret the idea of “integrity” differently.  Take Flyers coach Peter Laviolette’s argument with Penguins coach Dan Bylsma, calling him “gutless” for playing his fourth line with less than two minutes left in a decided game a week before the playoffs.  Yes, hard hits were had, and fighting ensued, but the Penguins players did not do anything outside of the established rules.  Unexpected, yes, but not enough to say that they jeopardized the integrity of the game.  Conversely, look at the Pens-Flyers playoff Game 3, when Penguins Arron Asham, Craig Adams, and James Neal went outside of the rules with their excessive violence.  The league stepped in and suspended all three players.  How about, for fun, we label them as “classless” players, you know, just to get a row out of those journalistic types.  What does that mean?  It means they are players that take the rules into their own hands; players that the league will look at much closer in the future.  The league knows who to watch, especially those “repeat offenders” that Shanahan talks about.  Yeah, maybe we as fans don’t agree with every decision (*cough* Shea Weber *cough*), but be sure precedent has been set and will be set for the future with every dangerous hit.  The beauty of modern sport lies in the ability to fluctuate and change as needed.

So, applying this idea to something semi-local, the “classless”, “dirty”, “goon” mantra has officially started in the Kings-Blues series.  This same dialogue went on during the Kings-Canucks series with numerous accusations of diving, headshots, and aggressive play through the first three games.  You see this to a lesser extent in the Blues-Sharks series, notably with the fight at the end of Game 2 – the beginning of the end for the Sharks.

Game 1 of the Kings-Blues series saw a questionable hit by the Kings’ Dwight King on Blues defenseman Alex Pietrangelo.  Immediately, two opposing sides form on whether or not this hit is a malicious and dangerous, and thus suspendable, play.  Ultimately, the league decided not to punish King any further (he got 2 minutes for boarding for the hit).  Then, Game 2 gave us the crazy physical play by the Blues after the Kings’ fifth goal, and the borderline hit by Kings d-man Willie Mitchell (past concussion victim) on Jamie Langenbrunner.  Otherwise, you’re just talking about two tough teams beating the crap out of each other for about 38 minutes.  As NBC Sports commentator Brian Engblom stated in roundabout fashion numerous times during the third period (and I’m paraphrasing) “This is the playoffs.”  Alas, Mr. Engblom's assertion aside, the conversation in the comments section gets ugly or non compos mentis and strong opinions form among the fans of the two sides, and, as stated in the Internet Guide to Civil Conversation and Open Dialogue Vol. III, that does not follow the modern conventions of cordial hockey debates.

When in doubt about the physicality of an NHL playoff series, ask this question:  Has either team gone out of their way to be malicious or make a mockery of the game?  I don’t think so.  It’s hard hitting.  It’s a battle.  It’s going to be rough at times because neither team wants to give up an inch.  And, in that same vain, no player wants to cost their team by sitting out or become the primary focus of the referees.

Is Dustin Brown classless for his aggressive board play and whiplash effect?  How about Carlo Colaiacovo for rabbit punching Brown?  If you answer 'yes' in either case, then there are many other current and former players you can lump in the dirty pile with them.

So, the point of all this is that the Reactionary Internet Community doesn’t mean “classless” when they say “classless,” nor do they understand that when they say “dirty” they actually mean “classless,” which, if you were just paying attention, is not the word they actually mean.  They mean “belittling the integrity of the game,” but, as mentioned, the integrity of the game is a fluid idea, which it should be in a progressive society like this one.  The Reactionary Internet Community (as well as the Ignorant Internet Folks) will say what they want to say, and there is nothing you or I or anyone can do about it.  You can troll as much as anyone else can troll, and that’s about it, and that solves nothing (except being incredibly hilarious sometimes).

But, my main point: Always question things.  Question the League.  Question the motivations of the players, for they are in fact human beings.  But, have confidence that the League will handle things in an appropriate way, and that players will play the game right.  And, dammit, above all else, just enjoy yourself.  I mean, it’s the freakin’ Stanley Cup playoffs! 

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Oh, hey, I’m on that Twitter contraption now!  Shhhh, don’t tell me how 2009 turns out, I haven’t gotten all the way through yet.

For all Kansas City-area related hockey news and links to other cool stuff (and links to articles on this blog), follow @FlubberMcGee

I Disagree...

That can't be right.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to step out for a minute.

Via