Roster Cut: Inside Deano's Office During the Kevin Westgarth Trade

What follows is a new feature called "Roster Cut" which will feature some of my Los Angeles Kings-centric articles that did not make the cut on Jewels From the Crown because they really had nothing to do with anything.  Basically, they were just fun to create, and I'd like to post them, and there is a lack of KC hockey news.  So yeah.  But, be aware of some fun stuff coming to LCOB in the near future.  It's a surprise, so just be patient and deal with it.

This first post places us inside Kings GM Dean Lombardi's office (he of columbs and truth seeking) as he tells seldom used enforcer Kevin Westgarth he will no longer be with the team.

Kevin Westgarth, for obvious blood and violence reasons, was one of my favorite Kings ever since I saw him in an exhibition game a few years ago. That said, it is bittersweet to see him go. We, as Kings fans, know there is no reason to have him on this team anymore. But, as like many of you, I sat in stunned silence watching the Los Angeles Kings players flood the Staples Center ice after having won the franchise's first Stanley Cup trophy...until Westgarth came into frame.

Then I started busting out laughing – a deranged, confused laugh – because seriously, Kevin Westgarth – who is awesome, mind you – was a (small) part of a team that just won a championship in the highest level of hockey competition in the world. No longer could I respirate and be absolutely certain that I was still alive, because science had no basis in this new reality. And that's who Westgarth is in a nutshell: a guy that eliminates any belief in cognitive liberty. He's his own hyperreality, and many of us  Kings fans will miss him in a Kings uniform.

That said, here's how Dean Lombardi probably broke the news to him on Sunday  a couple Sundays ago. (IMPORTANT NOTE: If Westgarth ever stumbles upon this article, I'm so sorry please don't kill me I'm drunk)

* * *

(Kevin Westgarth enters Dean Lombardi's office)

Deano: Glad you could make it Kevin. Have a seat.

Westy: Howdy, Mr. Lombardi! Did you see me in those interviews?! Me and Donny really stuck it too ol' Gary...

Deano: Yeah, that's great...hey, you've been traded to Carolina.

Westy: ...he didn't know what hit h---....wait WHAT?!

Deano: Yeah dude. You have to go.

Westy: But what about everything I did for the players' association? To end the lockout? I'm a hero. I'm a true patriot, or the Canadian equivalent. You can't trade me.

Deano: Hey that's super, but Phil Anschutz still signs my checks. Sooo, yeah... Plus, can you believe this haul? Some guy that's just as big as you with, like, twenty times as many goals. And some draft picks. All in exchange for you! I mean, even Columbus wanted a draft pick for Jeff Carter, stupid babies.

(Deano kicks feet up on desk, folds hands behind his head)

Westy: But, but, I was there everyday in practice. I made this team better! I'm on the Cup. There are guys on the team now that can't even say that!

Deano: But dude, two draft picks. For you. And a former first round pick. For you. Can you believe that?

Westy: I can't believe you would just trade me like that. After all I did for you. I went to Princeton, dammit! I'm married to Bill Cowher's daughter! Look at my sideburns!!!

Deano: Well, I thought you would be happy for me. I'm a freakin' genius, after all.

(Deano swirls a forty year old Cabernet Sauvignon around inside a crystal decanter, then pours it into a tin flask and places it in his suit pocket)

(Westy's nose begins to bleed, a lot)

Deano: Alas, though, I must say good day to you, sir. For I must see a man about horse.

(Deano picks up the latest copy of Guns & Ammo off of his desk, and enters his private washroom)

(Westy sits in Deano's office for five minutes, then leaves and never returns)

A Lockout Poem, by Flubber McGee-Neruda

"Leaning Into the Crack of Dawn"

Leaning into the butt crack of dawn I cast my sad nets
towards your oceanic eyes.

There in the highest blaze my solitude lengthens and flames,
its arms turning like a drowning man's.

I send out red signals across your absent eyes
that move like the sea near a lighthouse.

You keep only darkness, my distant Scot Beckenbaugh
from your regard sometimes the coast of dread emerges.

Leaning into the Sunday morning I fling my sad nets
to that sea that beats on your marine eyes.

The birds of night peck at the first stars
that flash like my soul when I love you.

The night gallops on its shadowy mare
shedding blue tassels over the land.

Gary Bettman is a dick isn't he

I bet you called him a dick to his face.

I love you Scot Beckenbaugh.  Thanks.

The Stanley Cup Goes to Some Weird Places

For some reason, I am on the media mailing list for KC ICE's Northland rink at Burlington Creek.  Yay!(?)

Anyway, the Stanley Cup – or one of the twenty replicas – is coming to the rink this Saturday, January 5th if you would like to see it.  Actually, it's coming to EnChamas restaurant, but, eh...close enough.  So, go see it if you want to see it.  It's worth the price of admission to see Anze Kopitar's name on there, let me tell you buddy.  BONUS: For a small fee, you can get your picture with the Cup AND 1980 USA Gold Medalist and local guy Ken Morrow.  Yay!(?)  Here's the promo flyer.

So, yeah, there's that.  It made me wonder what other random people charged you to take pictures with the Cup at random locations.

Paul Bissonnette – aka BizNasty, and he of the best yoga instructor in this world or any other – at Casa Bonita.  Because what else do you think he does for his birthday?

Sean Avery at Beef O'Brady's.  Can you imagine sitting next to the Stanley Cup, and talking to Sean Avery over an OMG Burger?  I can.

The ghost of Lord Stanley of Preston – namesake of the Cup – at a Chipotle in Arizona.  Because seriously, like the Stanley Cup would be caught dead in Arizona.